


Let me sleep

by Mash_me_up



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 17:30:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15823620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mash_me_up/pseuds/Mash_me_up
Summary: Clarke gives up





	Let me sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Just a one shot to get rid of some of the angst.

{Clarke}   
Clarke was tired. So tired of always fighting, of taking the blame, of losing. Every time she made a decision it seemed she lost. Yes she managed to save her people time and time again, but always at a cost. After praimfaya, she thought she'd finally rest, but the world just wouldn't let her go. She almost took things into her own hands then, but then she found the valley, and Madi, and as always, that little spark of hope that Bellamy, and the rest of her friends were out there, alive, just wouldn't let her give up. So she carried on, and eventually they did return, and for the first time she was truly alone.

When the ship took off and they were safe, Clarke collapsed. She couldn't handle the emotions, the thought she had almost closed the door on Bellamy, on her friends, overwhelmed her. She hated herself for almost making the wrong choice, and the thought popped into her head. "I should have stayed on the ground."  
She sat there in silence, until Bellamy walked up. She was surprised when he invited her to the meeting. After everything, his betrayed, her betrayal, Echo, she didn't think he'd want her opinion. She couldn't stop herself from asking," you're not angry at me? For leaving you at Polis?"   
"The commander told me not to." Bellamy said.   
Clarke smiled with relief, and hid the heartbreak as she was reminded of Madi.  
Madi, her daughter in every way but one, no longer needed her. Was no longer the girl who depended on her for safety and comfort, but instead the commander of her people. And Clarke didn't know if she could help share that burden much longer.   
So she smiled and went to see Abbey about putting Marcus In cryo , then she went to the meeting, and helped decide the fate of the human race, again.   
As the plans were made, and people got into their cryo pods, a resolution hardened within Clarke. She needed to rest, no more war, or heartbreak, Whanheda would put down her sword once and for all. She kissed Madi's forehead and watched her go to sleep. She took one last look at Bellamy, and let go of the desperate love she had for him. It could never be returned after what she had done. And this way, he could move on, he'd done it before. And she wasn't bitter about that at all, she laughed to herself. But she was no longer needed, there was no enemy left for her to fight. After his chamber closed, she got up and headed towards the control room. Monty was there and he looked up.   
"Hey Clarke, everyone asleep?"   
"Yea" she smiled. "Just wanted one last look before I joined them. Could you give me a minute?"   
"Sure thing"   
And Monty left the room. Clarke headed for the computer and quickly set up a recording.   
"Hey Monty, I'm so sorry to leave you to tell everyone, you can show them this message when they wake up. Thank you for being such a great friend, and always sticking up for me. I know what Jasper did was really hard on you, and I'm sorry I'm making you go through this again, but I can't do it anymore. I'm so tired. " Clarke started to cry, but wiped her tears away and continued.   
" Tell Madi I love her so much, and I am so proud of who she's become. She doesn't need me anymore, and I hope she doesn't hate me too much. All I ever wanted was to protect her, and I can't do that anymore.   
Mum, mum I love you, and I hope Kane pulls through, you deserve someone to love. Raven, I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me one day. And Bellemy. I, I will always love you. But we never had time.I know I'm not part of your family anymore, but I hope you can forgive me for everything. I understand why you did what you did. And I forgive you. But Madi was the last family I had. And she doesn't need me anymore, nobody needs me anymore, and I need to rest. I hope you find someone to love, who deserves you. Please don't make the same mistakes we have. Make a home, and a family, and enjoy your life. Be the good guy. "  
Clarke broke down and shut off the recording. Setting it to play the next time Monty accessed the computer. She wiped her eyes, headed to the door, and seeing no-one there, walked towards the airlock. 

{Monty}   
Monty looked up from his calculations when Clarke entered the room. "Hey Clarke, everyone asleep?"   
She smiled and said "Yea. Just wanted one last look before I join them. Can you give me a minute?"   
"Sure thing"   
Monty stood up and left the room. But something nagged at him. Clarke had sounded, sad. He didn't mean to eavesdrop, but he was headed back in to talk to her when he heard her. "Monty I'm so sorry".   
He froze just outside the door as he knew she wasnt talking to him. Well she was, but not to him him. Ugh sometimes he let his thoughts run away. He tuned back in to hear her talk about Jasper, and when he realised what he was hearing he ran.  
Quickly he found Harper.   
"Harper, you gotta help. I think Clarke's gonna kill herself!"   
Harpers head shot up "What! Why?"   
"I heard her recording her suicide note. How do I stop her? I couldn't stop Jasper, what do I do!"   
Harpers arms went round him.   
"Okay, who could stop her? Her mum?"   
"No, Bellamy could. We have to wake him up."   
Harper and Monty raced for the cryo tubes and quickly woke Bellamy up. As he came up out of the tube he said "Wow, it really did feel like a minute." 

{Bellamy}   
Bellamy woke up from the cryo sleep quickly. He sat up and said "Wow it really did feel like a minute"   
Then he noticed the looks on Monty and Harpers faces. "What's wrong"   
Monty spoke rapidly "You just went to sleep. We had to wake you up, Clarke wants to kill herself!"   
A horrible feeling hit Bellamy in the gut. He grabbed Monty by the shirt and said "Where is she?"   
"In the control room!"   
They took off running, but when they entered the control room, no one was there.   
Bellamy spun round and punched the wall "Dammit!"   
He looked at Monty "Where would she go?"   
Monty thought frantically, where would he go? "Oh! The airlock! She's going to space herself!" his voice trailed off into a whisper as a horrified look grew on his face.   
"God Bellamy, you have to stop her!"  
Bellamy cursed again. "Fuck! Monty, can you lock the airlock from here?"   
At Monty's "I'll try". He headed towards the doors. He heard Harper call "Wait!" and turned. "Take a radio, I'll see if I can find her on the security cameras."   
Bellamy nodded, grabbed the radio and headed out. As he left he heard a muffled curse behind him, and the radio came on. "When I accessed the panel, this came up Bellamy, keep going, but you might want to hear it."   
Bellamy kept running as Clarke's voice started playing over the radio. He cursed in his heart as he noticed how tired and sad she sounded. How had he not noticed? Was he so busy fighting and being mad at her he hadn't seen how broken she'd become? Or hadn't he wanted to see it because he helped break her? He knew that putting the flame in Madi had hurt her, but he hadn't realised how badly. When she started talking to him, he had to stop. He couldn't run while crying. When she said she wasn't a part of his family, he kicked himself. That wasn't what he had meant! An anger started to grow in him. Anger at himself for fucking things up so badly, and yes anger at Clarke for giving up. They'd survived the end of the world. Twice. And she was just gonna leave! He'd worked himself up into a nice little rage before he reached an intersection and Harper said. "Go left, quickly Bellamy, she's almost at the airlock!"   
He turned and started sprinting, yelling "Monty, do something!" Monty yelled back "I'm trying! Hold on a second!" Bellamy turned the corner just in time to see Clarke shut the door to the airlock.   
"Got it!" Monty yelled as he saw Clarke push the release button. Something tight inside him loosened as the doors didn't open. Clarke pushed them again, and then her shoulders slumped as still nothing happened. She turned around and reared back her face showing shock, and was that fear as she saw Bellamy standing on the other side of the airlock doors panting heavily.   
"Bellamy? Why aren't you asleep?" She questions, her voice hoarse from crying.   
"What are you doing?" Bellamy replied trying to stay calm. "After everything we've been through, you've decided to give up now? To slip away without saying anything. Leaving us with a fucking note!" Bellamy could feel his anger getting the best of him so he stopped. Now wasn't the time. First he had to get Clarke out of the airlock, just in case.   
He waited for Clarke to snap back at him, like she normally would, only to grow concerned as she drew in apon herself instead, almost growing smaller as she whispered "I'm sorry"  
Tears started rolling down her face and she turned away as if to hide from Bellamy. Bellamy's chest tightened. This wasn't the Clarke he knew, this was a broken shell and he didn't know how to get his Clarke back. The thought hit him like a ton of bricks.  
His Clarke.   
His.   
Clarke. 

Of course he'd heard her message, she'd said she loved him. And he realised he'd felt the same way. On the ground they'd always been to busy surviving to think about it. Then back in space he had thought she'd died so he avoided thinking about it. And then later he'd had Echo. But Clarke was always a part of him, a presence at his side even when she was no longer there. And the thought that he might lose her again, for real this time, broke his heart. He took a deep breath and then said softly. "It's OK Clarke. Just come out of there and we can talk" He pressed the open button for the airlock and watched as she turned to face him, starting to panic, he could see in her face.  
"No, no, I have to do this! You have to let me go! I can't do this anymore!" Clarke started sobbing and pushing against him as he took her in his arms. "No! You can't make me do this anymore! Let me go! I don't want to be alone anymore!"   
Bellamy's heart broke again as he held her tightly. He hadn't seen her breaking, hadn't seen how alone she'd felt after they came back to the ground. Six years in space had formed a tight group dynamic between him and the others, and although they'd come back to earth, they had lived a life together without her, longer than they'd lived as a family on the ground with her. Then being thrust back into a war situation with no time to sit and get to know each other again. No wonder she was off kilter. Then as she'd said, he'd taken Madi away from her with the flame. He hadn't realised how much it would change her, but he had seen it. Though he hadn't known Madi for long, he'd gotten to know her a bit. And after she'd received the flame, that girl had been gone, replaced by a commander.   
He held Clarke until she stopped fighting, and slid to the ground. He kept holding her as she wept, until Monty and Harper came round the corner. They walked up quietly to them looking heartbroken. And Bellamy realised they must have heard Clarke over the radio. Monty walked up and gave Clarke an injection. Bellamy frowned and Monty raised his hands.   
"Just a sedative, she needs to calm down, and we need to get her somewhere safe."   
Bellamy nodded and picked Clarke up, she was limp in his arms and for a moment he felt like she was dead and grief gripped him before he felt her breath on his neck. He hid a sigh of relief as he followed Monty and Harper back to the living quarters.   
Bellamy placed Clarke on a bed and covered her with a blanket. He sighed as he pushed some hair away from her eyes and gently stroked her cheek. Then he turned away and went outside to talk to Monty and Harper, closing the door behind him.   
They sat in silence for a whole until Harper broke it  
"What do we do?"   
They looked at each other. "Do we wake anyone else up? Abby? Or maybe put Clarke in cryo before she wakes up?" said Monty.   
"No" replied Bellamy. We have to fix this before she goes into cryo or we will just have the same problem when she wakes up. "   
He put his head in his hands." It will be a lot harder to stop her a second time."  
"Ok, but how do we fix this?" said Monty. He looked like he was trying hard not to cry. "I couldn't help Jasper, how are we supposed to help Clarke?"   
"I don't know OK!" Bellamy stood up and started pacing. "I don't know how it got this bad in the first place! I was so angry with her for leaving me, and... Did you know she radioed us every day we were in space? Madi told me before we boarded. Apparently she called every day even though we never answered. She never lost faith. And then we get to the ground and I told her she wasn't part of my family anymore! "   
Bellamy broke down and felt arms go around him.  
"You were trying to keep everyone safe, she understands that." Harper murmured.   
"I was trying to keep her safe too. And look how well that turned out. I broke her. Clarke is the strongest person I know, and I betrayed her trust and broke her!"  
"No" Monty said.   
Bellamy looked up. He saw a look, a question pass between Harper and Monty and then Harper nodded.   
"There's something we need to show you" she said and stood. Holding his hand she drew him back to the control room. "We found something in the files when we were looking through them." she said. "Recordings of radio messages the Elgius picked up before they returned to earth. I don't know why we never heard them but our receiving equipment must have been damaged." She looked nervous as she brought up some files on the screen.   
"What are you talking about?" Bellamy rasped.  
"The messages Clarke sent" Monty said gently.   
"They received them, and recorded them." he smiled sadly, "listen to them. Clarke broke before we came back, but she pulled herself together, for Madi. If she's done it once, she can do it again. And this time we will be there to help her." He put a hand on Bellamy's shoulder. "We will watch Clarke, just listen, and we can talk later."   
Then they left, and Bellamy started listening. He heard Clarke reach out with hope that they could hear her, he heard her give up that hope. He heard her struggle for survival, and when she decided not to struggle anymore. He breathed through tears as she decided to end things and then started properly crying when she sent another message after deciding to live. He smiled when she found the valley and found joy in the fact she now had someone to share it with. But through it all he heard her loneliness, her desperate plea for him to still be alive. And it killed him that he had given up hope on her so easily. He knew the curcumstances were different but he still felt like it was a betrayal somehow.   
After listening to the messages he sat there and thought for a while. They had both made mistakes on the ground. Often there were no right answers. But Clarke had understood everything he had been willing to do and had done for Octavia. She had forgiven him a lot, and he had forgiven her. So yes he could understand why she had wanted to protect Madi, and had felt the the betrayal she had felt when Octavia got hurt because of others. They had essentially switched places as the head and the heart, and maybe that was the reason things were so fucked up. He knew Clarke had always felt deeply, but she had thought with her head first so it didn't seem to affect her as much. But now that she was leading with her heart. He saw the depth of her feelings, and she couldn't handle it. She poured her everything into everyone around her. And now she thought they had all abandoned her. He had Echo, and while he didn't mean to, he had all but told Clarke she wasn't part of their family, then he had taken the rest of her family away. She felt like she had nothing left to fight for, so he would need to show her there was. He stood up, determined to make things right. To talk to Clarke and to show her how he felt. He was scared, yes, but between manning up and telling her his feelings, or losing her again. He didn't really have a choice. He laughed at himself. No choice, what an oxymoron. He walked back towards Clarke and nodded at Harper who was sitting by her bedside.   
"What's the plan?" she whispered.   
"Talk to her, fix things." He shrugged. "We won't go into cryo until this is sorted. Are you and Monty OK with that?"   
Harper smiled. "Of course. We will be here if you need us." and withdrew.

Bellamy sat next to Clarke stroking her hand for a while. When she started to stir, he sat up straight, a nervous feeling swirling in his gut. "Hey" he said as her eyes opened. 

{Clarke}  
Clarke woke up feeling groggy. As she fought to open her eyes, she heard a soft "hey". She turned her head to see Bellamy sitting next to her holding her hand with a soft smile on her face.   
She sat up confused, and then it all came rushing back to her and she felt her stomach clench. She put her hand over her mouth and rushed to the bathroom, throwing up into the toilet. She tried to ignore Bellamy holding her hair and rubbing her back as she vomited. When she was done she leant against the wall exhausted, and watched Bellamy get some paper to wipe her mouth and then flush the toilet. She didn't understand what was happening. Why was he here? Why had he stopped her? Just "Why?"   
It came out croaking and she winced as it felt like shreds of glass were in her throat. Bellamy glanced at her and then stood up to grab a cup of water. He passed it to her then helped her stand and get back to the bed. As she sat down she looked at him. "Why?" she asked again almost pleading.   
Bellamy sighed as he sat down next to her and took her hand again. "I'm sorry." he said. "I didn't realised. No" he cut himself off. "I didn't want to know what you were going through. I was so focused on getting you to see things from my perspective that I didn't think about yours."   
"I" Clarke started but he held up a hand. "Let me finish. I thought you were dead for 6 years, and then when I found out you weren't, I somehow expected you to be the same person you were even though I had changed over time. I tried to listen to your advice and think with my head, and you learnt to think with your heart, go figure. " He chuckled dryly.   
" You said you're not a part of my family. I know what I said, but you will always be a part of my family. I know I betrayed your wishes with Madi and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I couldn't see another way out. But you haven't lost her. She's still here and she still needs you Clarke. We all do. "  
" No, you don't" said Clarke starting to cry again. "I'm tired Bellamy, please just let me rest."   
Bellamy looked sad, and used his thumbs to wipe away her tears. Clarke was confused. Why was he being so nice? So gentle? She figured he didn't want her to go because he would feel guilty so she tried to persuade him." This isn't your fault Bellamy. It's a choice I've made. It has nothing to do with you. Just let me go, please"   
Bellamy bowed his head. "I can't, I'm sorry. I won't survive losing you again." he looked at her. "It took me three years to come to terms with losing you before. The only thing that kept me going was I knew you'd want me to survive. That you had sacrificed yourself so I could live. I couldn't waste that. But this time... This time losing you would kill me. "  
Clarke stared at him, startled." Why? " she asked again.   
"Because I love you!" burst out of Bellamy. "I have for a long time, but it was never the right time. And then I lost you and found you again. But we were in another war, and things happened." he trailed off looking down at his hands again.   
"You, love me?" Clarke whispered. Hardly daring to believe. "But, Echo?"   
"Like I said, I thought you were dead." Bellamy said. "I love Echo yes, but not the way I love you. I don't know what's going to happen after the valley heals and we go back down. All I know is I want you there with us. I can't promise anything, but I want to be with you. At least give us a chance to work something out. Please? "  
Clarke closed her eyes. His offer was so tempting. But she wasn't sure she could do it." I'm tired" she almost whined and Bellamy laughed.   
"We are about to sleep for 10 years, that should help." then his gaze grew serious again. "Please, promise me you'll stay. I know you want to leave, but I need you. Please."   
Clarke hesitated, then seemed to sag even more. "Fine."   
"Promise me." Bellamy insisted.   
"I promise", Clarke replied.   
Bellamy leant forward and kissed her softly. "Thank you. We can work this out, just give us time. And if you want to leave again, (he couldn't say kill herself) please talk to me first."   
"OK" said Clarke. As she laid down and drifted back off to sleep.   
Bellamy watched her for a moment and then quietly left. 

It took a few weeks, and lots of talking before Clarke started to really believe she had a place with Bellamy again. They didn't go deeper into the topic of their relationship as Bellamy wanted to talk to Echo first. But soon they were more comfortable with each other, and Bellamy stopped looking quite so worried every time she left his sight. It wasn't perfect yet, but she felt ready to go into cryo and face the others when she woke up. She knew they wouldn't be able to keep this a secret and there would be a lot more talking as everyone sorted out their feelings, but she had made a promise, and she had hope for the future again.   
As Clarke lay down in the pod she looked up at Bellamy who smiled, and gave her a kiss. "Goodnight princess" he said fondly, and then the cover shut and Clarke thought. Finally, I can rest...


End file.
